The last four months have been the most insane of my life. The chaos is still continuing, and in the midst of it all I wanna stop and make a note of it.
I’ve been through a lot of stuff… not gonna go into detail, but yeah, all you guys know me as a kind of ‘child star’, and I’m sure you only need to stop and think for a moment to come up with some of the dangers of that life. So I’ve been through all of that, the rise and the fall, the bullying throughout school, severe depression, suicidal intent, love, heartbreak… you name it, I’ve felt it.
But this. This is indescribable. It’s hell, but it’s such amazing hell. It’s the kind of story no one will ever believe, the kind of story you need to write and rewrite to describe and understand. It’s a show of the depth and shallows of character, the highs and lows of humanity. It’s draining and uplifting. I’ve been completely destroyed, I’ve been suicidal so many times, but… I’ve seen so many things. Brought some friends closer and discovered the true darkness in others. Found self-confidence and this almost indestructable will, so often pushed down but always back up again with claws bared and eyes flashing. I know who and what I am now. I know the truth of the life I’m living as a part of. I know so many terrible things.
This is the edge, this is the end, this is the heart of the storm. This is life, so much more unbelievable and insane than I’ve seen it before, so much more alive.
I should be loathing this but it’s too fascinating to hate. Waiting to see how it all gets worse, watching the world fall apart. It’s beautiful.
I hope none of you ever have to see this for yourselves. But I hope I can describe it to you all some day, and you can feel it, see it, believe it. I hope I’m happy at the end of all of this.